Some years ago I was free in my actions and thoughts. I did things I wanted and there was no matter what she think about it. In this years that we're together there was some happenings when we could chuck. And most of this moments were because of me.
Feeling apologise I've lost myself.
And now I want her to hurt me once more. I think because of those happenings I lost my emotions and now all I'm scared at is to make her confused at any of my actions. Because of this I have no friends and my life is just to wait her come back to me from her parents.
It's the forth month that we live in different cities. Almost every day we're at the videochat and in this 4 months we met only once. I know some people have no oportunity to see each other for years...
But it would be better if I hadn't sell my heat and soul for her.
I'm really jealous to people who can be happy and do what they want.
I just hope she could make me feel the pain and she could hurt me. Also if she can't do it now. I just really want it. I want to feel myself alive again.
It's hard to understand that I'm only 19 and have such serious relations and have no oportunity to live like my coevals.
I try to make my life that I want and I just hope that my time to be really happy is not come yet.
I hope I could relearn how to smile and feel the life and take all I want and create things.
I believe I deserve it. Am I?
It wasn't a "cry"-post. This is just a little story and I don't know yet is it hopefull or hopless. I just believe.
This is a post of believing a good life.
.: THE END :. 
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