[ Long time no see + Mental and physical health ]

Hello everyone! 

I noticed that every year i'm forgetting about blogspot for the spring season. But it's not totally forgotten. I always thinking about writing something but i have nothing to.
Even if i wrote last and this post with emojis i had a strong feeling of emptiness.
I started to visit a Psycho because of the addiction to desapear, emptiness and a tough feeling of suicide. So i have a diagnosis as Depression on the background of autopsychical depersonalisation of the 2 and 3 types. I guess it'll sound like this in english.

Now i have a dream to quit the University. To study at classes of IT and Web Design and find a job at this sphere.
Also because of my health. With my job now i have a herniated disk. Feel like a walking dead now.
Too frustrating.

One gratefull thing is i like my photos i mad last time. 

Blooming Sakura 

 

The sport style dress i bought 

  

The others i will post a little later i guess.

.: T H E  E N D :.

「 18+ psycho depression 」

Hi, guys!
As i had posted a video from youtube few mins ago i decided to write here.

So, as i wrote last time about work i wished good luck for everyone and for myself so as there's no followers this luck was lucky! So our resturant has a certificate and we're able to raise now. And with it i was asked for my raise so to the end of the month i'll be a trainer! But 'till i'm not don't wanna hear any congrats.

Don't want to say such a loud words but i have something like a depression 'cause i really don't want to laugh, even smile and there's even nothing that could make me feel a little bit happy. But i feel comfy with my lovely Uru and i can't ask her for kindness to me 'cause she lost her grandmother 2 weeks ago. Also it is lost for me because i knew her, i talked to her, we ate her delicious yummis and i've found a postcard from last X-Mas. Of course my depression doesn't go from this.
You know i look on the world with black'n'white colors for years. I think since i was 10-11. That's why i have my red hair. It is the one colorful thing in my life. Of course my parents don't know about it 'cause i don't trust them a lot and they worry about me. But no... I'm wrong. My dad worry about me and my mother is not. Very rude words but so true.
All of this things are not new for me so i can't say this is a cause. I just don't know. I lost my thought. Forget it.

I have also something importaint to write here about my gender identity. It is strange to read and uncomfortable to write because i'm not sure i could explain it but i'll try.
May be my psycho health is too weak or something but i don't feel myself female as my body is. I feel myself as noone. I wake up in the morning and think "Where the hell is my D?!" as it was there last night or what. When i'm horny i feel that it SHOULD BE HERE. And i want to feel my gf... And with all of such things i want to get safe my female genitals... How it should be called? Man in a woman body? I'm like Lydia Lunch but if she identify as gay-man, i feel as hetero-man. Also i feel myself as a girl but it's very rarely feeling. I like girly things and stuff and i like girls as a man and feel myself as a man. And so as i'm russian it is strange when girl like me talk about herself as a male. I really not interested in their opinion and vision of me but i'm so tired of answering their questions "Why are you talking about yourself like this?"
Ugh, this post seems very broken-down.

.: THE END :.